Being An Introvert With Anxiety: The Struggle

I wonder sometimes, is it my introversion that makes me crazy or is it my anxiety. I believe it is both. In a world filled with extroverts, one being my husband... it becomes hard not to feel like people think I am a weirdo. Thanks to the internets.... lol I have been able to google and figure out that I am not alone in my struggles.

Maybe you have an anxiety riddled introvert in your life, or maybe YOU are the anxiety riddled introvert. I wanted to just share a few things that send me into full on nuts mode just because it has helped me to read other people's blogs/posts about what they deal with. It is always a comfort to know you are not the only one <3 

Here is my little list:

1.) Fear of running into someone you know.

Say I am grocery shopping... and I run into someone I know, but not well, or have not seen them in years. This will cause me to turn and run, attempting to hide. If it is not possible to get away, the awkward small talk starts and I wish I could teleport out of there. I do not dislike them, I just do not want to do the SMALL TALK THING. As an introvert I like meaningful conversations. And as someone with social anxiety, I am panicking wondering what to say to make this as quick and not awkward as possible. 

2.) Phone Calls

There are actually two parts to this one. First, I hate speaking on the phone. I prefer text or email always. Even with family. This is how introverts are comfortable talking. It isn't that we don't like you, we just don't want to talk on the phone. So please hang up and text us. Secondly, it is pretty much impossible to work in a field where answering phones and not knowing what crazy question is coming. The level of anxiety that comes from this literally breaks me out in a rash and makes me itch. 

3.) Big Social Gatherings

No. Just No. Particularly if it is people I have never met, or do not know well at all. Primary example is hanging out at big gatherings with my husbands friends. Most of them have known each other for life and I dare say are very clique like. It is very awkward for me to attend any kind of event where I am awkwardly standing around with nobody to talk to or the usual small talk that makes me crazy. I like to be around people who seem to like me. If I feel iced out, I want to run. If there is an elderly person I go talk to them. If there are kids, I play with kids. If there are pets around... you can find me scratching the dogs belly or petting the cat. Ugh.... animals are so much more enjoyable than people, right?

4.) Interviews and Performance Jobs

Wanting a new job? Oh that interview thing will send me into a frenzy. I get so nervous. Any setting where I am on stage and have to perform is excruciating. Interviews are rough. But worse than interviews, is having a job where you are expected to perform. By perform I mean conduct a service in front of a customer, answer a phone and be able to answer a wide array of crazy questions, public speaking, basically anything that requires customer service etc. I actually break out in an itchy rash when under pressure. If the person is one of those who cannot be pleased it is even worse. I did ok as a school teacher, but other jobs were very hard. I tried insurance once, and the phone gave me an anxiety attack daily. An ideal job for me would be one that I could get away with communicating through email only and work from home :) Still trying to find that gig. 

For now, this is all I can think of. I wish so badly that I didn't have this type of anxiety. It is hard enough to be an introvert, because you feel drained by people. You lose so much energy... so adding social anxiety to it, or general anxiety... and you get a big problem on your hands.

Need to go?

So here's a topic nobody likes to talk about publicly... poop. But because I know it is a real problem for so many people out there, I wanted to share a remedy my Naturopath doctor shared. With an add on from me.

Here's what I suggest, I do this daily. Depending on how "toxic" you are, depends on how pleasant, or not so pleasant this experience will be.... however I can assure you, you're going to feel a lot better when it is over.

Take these all at once:
Take 1 probiotic (I suggest Now brand 50 billion probiotics)
1 1000 mg vitamin C
1 150 mg magnesium
Drink at least 1 8 ounce glass of water

And my personal add on: DRINK 1 or 2 CUPS OF COFFEE!!!

You will go to the bathroom. It may be within minutes, or may be within hours... but you will go. And you will feel glorious.
*** Please note, I am not a doctor, I am not in the medical field. Ask your doctor to be sure this is okay for you!!!!

The Pain of Growing Out a Pixie Cut

I had short hair for about 3 years straight, and by short, I mean it was SUPER short! I loved my pixie. I swore I would forever keep short hair. Then I got married, and my husband begged me to grow it out. Men... they just love that long hair. So I decided to do it. This is my pixie tale in pictures. My process took 2 YEARS!

Let's start with the very first time I had hair shorter than any other woman I ever knew....

I was in love. 

Over the course of several years, I had many variations of this. I loved pretty much every single variation. The boyfriend... now husband, never really liked it lol. But I did. So I kept it. 

Then we got engaged, and I thought how nice it would be to have that long flowing hair for a wedding. Well I started the growing out process... one that takes much longer than I had hoped for. Here is how that went for me....

Those first few months were horrible. You have this horrible hair, it isn't even a style. It is like a mop on your head. You can do nothing with it. I mean literally nothing. Not enough to pin back, not enough to comb over, not enough for anything but ugly.

So, I went crazy and thought just a color and a trim.... that will help.... YEAH NO. It set me back because now I have short hair AGAIN.

Alright, fast forward several long months.... we have progress. Still very short in the back, but I have managed to get this far.... If I can just hold on.... But NO. I can't stand it. So I do this....

I got so much crap for this hair cut.... this wasn't long after Miley Cyrus had a similar cut. Now while I thought this was prettty kick ass.... it REALLY set me back on the growing it out thing, because now I had to let the other side grow back and eventually lop the longer side off to match. Cost me MONTHS.

I

But I did like it :)

 

So I get to the point here ^ and this was the LAST cute cut I had for about a year. It just got so ugly. I had to use bobby pins to get it out of my face, I had to continue cutting the back to get rid of the looming "mullet" that was a constant battle.

 Then I finally had something like an inverted bob...

I found this stage a relief. I tried many different ways of fixing it. It was still way too short for a pony tail, but pinning it up was possible (somewhat) and I discovered waves were cute...

Fast forward another 5 months and I finally got a pretty cute style.... but NO pony tail yet.

The first time I was able to get a bun was 2 years after the official "I'm growing my hair out" statement. I was so excited. Now mind you, it is still stacked shorter in the back, so I had bobby pins holding up the stuff in the back. 

So here is where I am at right now... and I am still not there yet. But it really is just a process you have to endure. Patience obviously is the key. Do not keep lopping it off, it only delays the time it will take you to grow it out! The only way to get here is to suck it up and have hideous hair for a long time LOL. Best wishes <3 

Happy Husband LOL ^

(Update... 3rd year and I still hope for 4 more inches before I consider my hair "long" :) ) Pic Below

Fraxel Dual Laser Experience

So I just had my first treatment and wanted to share my personal experience. I had okay skin, no horrible crater scars, no major pigment problems, just your average 32 year old face with some minor sun damage and some minor acne marks. I decided I wanted to do this after having some hard times in the health and weight department. I just wanted to give myself a lift :) I want to get my skin back on track and really take care of it. In my 20's, I didn't take care of myself at all. I hardly ever wore sunscreen, ate horrible, drank and smoked. I thought it would never catch up to me, and of course it did. I quit all my bad habits a couple years ago, but the obvious damage is done. Now I am on a quest to correct what I can.

This is me on an average day:

First thing I did was go in for a consult. The dermatologist PA told me what would work best for my skin. She told me basically what to expect. I decided on the laser as opposed to a chemical peel, because the laser is more effective and the healing time is pretty much the same. Might as well get all the bang for the ugly I can was my thinking.

I went in a couple weeks later, expecting to be drugged like my consult lady told me... only to find out that she was new to the place and was not trained in the protocol of this facility. Sooooo yeah... I was not happy. But I was so excited, I decided to go forth and get it done. They were LATE taking me back, which also upset me. Needless, to say... I would never recommend the place I went.

I had an 800 mg Ibuprofen, that I had brought with me and they put numbing gel on my face for one hour prior to the procedure. I found them to be unprofessional and frankly, snobby in every sense of the word. But anyway, you aren't reading this to hear about all that. Let's get to the photo's and what happened.

So here I am, waiting for my face to go numb. My husband sat with me, which helped with the nerves. I had been warned this laser hurts. So to find out I am getting no drugs, I was even more anxious.

Next step, they take me to the laser room I get on this table and they put these stickers on my eyes to hold them shut. I get a pair of little glasses too. Then they hand me a hose that blows like artic cold air. I am instructed to wave this thing around while they do the laser. Then they tell me to be sure I do not hold it in one place too long or I can get frost bite. AGAIN, I am like wtf, really?!?! I am in charge of the frost bite blower? Please remember to ask lots of questions at the office you go to... I will compile a list at the end of this blog lol. I wish I had known what to ask prior. Not all facilities are created equal... even though it is a doctor's office. UGH. Let's move on....

Aright, so I am armed with my artic blower, my eyes are sealed shut, and here comes the laser. The physician assistant tells me she is going to make one pass to show me what it is going to feel like. Ok, go. First response... I can handle this... sure no problem. Then she makes several passes over my hairline and forehead. We have to have 4 passes vertically and 4 horizontally. Lots of people will tell you that it doesn't hurt. Or that it was like a rubber band popping you. LIES. If that was true for them, they are either getting a less aggressive laser or they have no nerves. IT HURTS. It hurts real freakin' bad. The worst part for me was my forehead and temples, followed by my cheeks.

Laser #1 was the most aggressive. It targeted the purple colored acne scars I had. Laser #2 was less painful and targeted my sun damage, the brown spots and freckles. By the time we got to the second laser, I felt like I could handle it, simply because it wasn't as horrendous as laser one. It only took about 15 minutes, maybe 20 to complete the treatment. They told me I needed this Bio cream for my face that will help it grow new lovely skin... so I got it for a whopping $150. So total cost to me was about $2000 by the time I got the sunscreen and moisture balm plus this miracle cream. Which is fine, I wanted it done, and I was willing to pay. Keep in mind I bought the package of 3, so I could get a better price. The consult lady says I only needed 2 treatments but it was cheaper to buy 3... and again, I am not sure anybody has their sh** together at this fancy place I went to... so who really knows.

I walk out and find the hubby in the waiting room. He inspects my face and says wow, you look pretty good already. I take this as a good sign. We get into the car, and I think I am going to cry. My face is really hot and I just feel so tired. Likely from being so stiff/tense from trying to tolerate the pain from the actual laser. But we start the 45 minute drive home, and within about 25 minutes I am feeling some relief. By the time we get to the burger joint and by the pharmacy to pick up my prescription to prevent fever blisters, I am feeling way better.

This was my little before and after picture... directly before the laser and about 20 minutes after:

I feel like there is already a significant difference in my appearance.

By bed time, I am feeling like all is well. I drink as much water as I can, put the cream on, and stack a couple pillows together to sleep on. You can't lay flat or your eyes will swell shut over night. I woke up and looked slightly puffy but pretty good. Here is me the morning after:

Here is day 3:

I have been very scaly like a reptile ever since. My skin literally looks like a brown lizards.

It feels sorta like a softer version of sandpaper. It doesn't hurt, it is just a little tight and some what itchy. I assume this means peeling is on the way. I feel like I look kinda gross, but to others... I look like I sat out on the beach too long.  There are laser marks on my face, which is normal. I did read some horror stories about these marks and dark spots never going away. It appears that this is not the norm, but is possible. Let's all hope that doesn't happen to me xxxxx fingers lol.



Okay! I am on day 5 now, and looking WAY GOOD lol! The peeling started on day 3, and looked like sand. It was not like flakes of skin at all. It looked just like sand from the beach. I know you are not at all supposed to touch it but I did. It was driving me crazy. I went to work yesterday which was day 4. I was still peeling, but not nearly as yucky. So I did put on just a few dabs of foundation on the pink new skin.

This is me a few days before the procedure with make up on... and then yesterday with just a touch of make up on... the difference is HUGE.

The scars are gone. This is not the norm, they say it usually takes multiple treatments to get rid of scars. Mine must have not been as deep. You can see I am still peeling the brown sandy looking skin on the sides of my face towards the hair line. I am very pleased with my results. I am not done peeling, and it will take 2 months to reach the full effect of the laser treatment. It will only get better! I am going to have 2 more treatments, but plan to really space them out, as it looks like one is plenty effective for my skin. Perhaps I will get one a year in the fall, after the summer sun. Of course I will be lathering my new face in sunscreen daily! I also ordered some retinol to start using next month. I want to keep my "investment" looking as good as possible, for as long as possible. Like I said, I am starting over and going to really be diligent in my skin care routine. I am not 20 something anymore and the time to nip aging is NOW!

Progression photo, taken daily... the first is obviously before the laser. The last is day 6 with make up on. Second to last is day 6 with NO makeup on :)

I will update this as things progress. Come back and visit to see my final results :)
***For now, let me compile that list of things you need to ask and look for when trying to find a place to do this.

What to ask!!!
1.) May I see before and after pictures of patients YOU did this on.

2.) How many times have you performed this procedure? (make sure they are legit, I suggest looking for reviews on the Dr. or facility)

3.) Are you going to give me oral pain or anxiety medication? (go somewhere that does. seriously.)

4.) Is your laser actually a "Fraxel" brand laser? And does it have the cold air attachment on it or am I going to have to blow my own face with the hose!!!)

5.) What do I need to do prior to this treatment? (they didn't tell me anything)

6.) What will I need to do post treatment? (didn't tell me much)

7.) GET A HANDOUT. This place I went didn't give me any paper materials to refer to!

8.) Can you explain what this laser will do, and how well it would benefit my skin type?

9.) Please explain the possible side effects and risks in depth. (again, they didn't really explain anything to me!)

10.) When is it safe to.... (wash face, wear make-up, go swimming, go outside, sleep flat again, etc.)

*Overall, just find out as much as you can, and the way I see it, if you have to ask all this stuff... probably go somewhere else! I was pretty much flabbergasted by the fact that they didn't have a handout and just have a whole run down ready to go over with me. I got minimal information. After my procedure I came home and did my own research. I should have done it first. I just assumed a dermatologist office would have my best interest at heart because that is supposed to be their job. And this building was state of the art and everyone who worked there looked stunning... my husband's jaw was pretty much on the floor the entire time. I liked the fact that all the staff had flawless skin. However, that doesn't make it a great place to go. Don''t be like me... find a place with their ducks in a row. So far things look like they are going according to plan... but I would have felt better if I had a more "with it" set of doctor's and physician's assistants.

2/16/16 Update: I just had my 2nd Fraxel done and it was by the same girl.... who I found out is neither a doctor nor a nurse.... just went to cosmetology school. Not knocking her, I just wish I had understood the situation before I went through with all of this. My face looks good, I went less "aggressive" this time. Will post pictures when it heals.

Healthy Chicken Salad Recipe :)

After reading all the labels on the delicious deli chicken salad at HEB, I discovered that there were really horrible things in it. I mean when the ingredient list is literally like 30 things, there is probably some baaaaaad junk in it. So, I set out to make my own "healthier" version. I can't tell you how many calories, or how much fat is in this, but I can tell you it isn't full of chemicals. So here it is... you could modify it to your liking, it is very good!

Healthier Chicken Salad

Rotisserie Chicken, shredded into a bowl
handful of dried cranberries (I buy them in the bulk foods isle at HEB)
handful of smashed up pecans (bulk foods isle again)
two stalks of celery chopped
sprinkle some chopped onion (I use McCormick's, because it's tasty and easy)
salt, pepper
half a cup mayo with olive oil
half a cup plain greek yogurt

And that's it. Pretty easy and I feel better about it than the stuff you get already packaged. It lasted me about 4 days. Great for lunch :) 

Why I Quit Teaching

So this is my first blog post. Ever. So I wanted to say a few things about how I plan to write on here. First of all, this is not a college essay. I have written about a billion of those, as I went to college for 7 years. This is a BLOG. So if I spell something wrong here or there, if I don't write to the standards of others... well sorry I'm not sorry LOL. That being said... here is what I want to share today....

If you are a teacher, I do not have to rant about how hard the job is. You know already. But not everyone does know. Some people (most people) will say, "Oh you're a school teacher? That must be fun, you just play all day and get summers off." HAHA that is cute, really cute that you think that. Obviously, the job requires much more than that. Planning, meetings, projects, after school events, dealing with that crazy kid and his crazy mother, the assistant principal that wants you to know she has a "Master's" degree and you are her inferior for life.... she knows all things about all things and you know nothing about kids... your kids... that you are with everyday... anyway....

The point here is this: public school teachers kill themselves to please everyone. Not just the bosses (I say bosses because you have about 10), but also the kids and the parents. Long hours spent trying to create the perfect classroom, the perfect unit, the perfect lesson, all to be pooped away really, because rarely do things go "as planned".  Short version: teachers are more than just babysitters, the good ones really do make school their life, and the job is beyond stressful.

I spent 5 years teaching Pre-K and 2 years in Kindergarten. I then got married and moved to South Texas where I taught 4th grade... for ONE semester. That's right, ONE semester. But we will get to that later. So here is the thing I want to say about this... I LOVED my kids. I made a difference. And I never wanted to have to choose between happiness and my kids who I loved so much. But that day came, and I knew I was done. Teaching became about making other people look good. It became about test scores. It became about who has the best behaved class, and the straightest lines. See I never spent and abundance of time training students to walk perfectly straight or silent. I never worried much about talking in my classroom as long as the talking was productive. But these are things I was slashed for all the time. I was the fun teacher. The one the kids and parents alike could appreciate. Why? Well because they knew I loved them.

Did I teach state mandated curriculum? Yep. Did my kids pass testing? Yep. Did they do as well as other students in other classes? You guessed it... they sure did. So what was the problem? It would seem nothing. But the small stuff constantly being thrown into my ears was enough to make me crazy. There were no "pats on the back". Never a "way to go gal". Nothing but criticism. In the nearly 8 years I taught... the only appreciation I ever got was from parents and students. You would think there would be some uplifting motivation from administration... but sadly, no. The fleeting moments of praise given... I can count on one hand. In 8 years... one hand....

So what happened? Why did I give up all these years in education? Even that Master's degree I got just 3 years into my teaching career? Not going to use it? But why would you do that!?!?!? It is simple really... I got tired. I got tired of the never ending, "teachers, you aren't cutting it." I got tired of the, "we're gonna need you to analyze this data and come up with new ways to teach these TEKS." I got tired of trying to help kids get through this broken system. When I couldn't take anymore, I decided to leave peacefully. I decided to be totally honest about what the real problem was. And truly, at the end of the day... I knew I would rather work in a fast food line than have to spend one more day trying to fix something so broken. Public schools are broken. Who is going to fix all these problems? Not teachers. Teachers already do everything they can. It has to come from the know it all types up top. The guys who haven't set foot in a classroom in 20 years. Those guys. They have to be the ones to "change".

I left teaching in December of 2013. I have since had 9 months of just being a simple housewife and now a part time job at a local sandwich and gift shop in the tiny town in which I now live. Do I miss teaching? Not one bit. I love my varied schedule, I love not being stuck in that 5 day a week, 9-12 hour grind, I enjoy being able to take off work at whatever time I need to. I like the people I work with, I like the stress free environment. Truly, I don't need to make 40 grand a year to be happy. We live simply, but comfortably, and if we get "poor" we will find a way to budget for less. I won't suffer in a job that ruins my health, both mentally and physically just to have nice "stuff"!

I pray for the teachers who keep up the good fight. Your students NEED you. And for those who just can't take it anymore... please remember there is no shame in giving it up. Life is too short to be absolutely miserable. Because for some of us, it becomes not just a job... it becomes our life. Nobody should ever believe that what they do for a living, is actually who they are. You are more.